Its funny when someone comes along and they try so hard to change your face and try to mold you into someone you are not. Like my current friend/boyfriend, Yes I'm still debating if he's even worth keeping. One I gave him a head strong warming I'm not like other girls I bite I growl and I strach, It takes a special kinda man to put up with me even let alone control me- (Which kinda makes me fight even more when A guy does that.) He lays down lies to me and which I know he just playing me for a fool and kinda thinks that I don't know him or see through his pitiful lies. So those who are wondering well lets start with number one He says I'm evil and that I'm posed by 7,000 demons. Lol Honey I'm not posed, He claims my large amount of enegry is from them. No sorry its my own enegry, No way in hell would I let some demon take over my body. Unless I really really wanted it that way. He always tried to argue his beliefs onto me and tell me that I'm wrong for thinking the way I do. Its one thing to state your opinion and another to make it seem like your FUCKING right all the time. Other things are that he does in my book that drive me crazy is this, He tells his friends they can come over knowing damn full well that I'm a very private person and even though having people over is nice, I rather not for personal reason. Of course he doesn't care or respect my wishes. Why I thinking and taking my sweet lovely time to think Five major things I refuse to change for this controlling asshole,

1. I will not stop being a bitch.

2. I will not go on a fucking diet/ Nor will I lose weight for you.

3. I will not change my beliefs or how I view or see the world.

4. I will do as I goddamn please with my money how I want to spend it and when I want, You have no right what so ever to tell me how to handle my money. I earn it so I can spend it one whatever I choice. (Yes I pay my bills and the rest goes for my and my son.) So please just because you don't have a pack of cigs or whatever fucking shit you want don't bitch and whine to me. (Go find a fucking better job. Thank you!.)

5. No no no how much you beg I will not read the goddam bible or go to curch, (I am close to god and you do not need that shit to have him in your life end of story.)

6. I will change on my own terms, but only if I want to and when I'm ready.

Yes later I am going to show him these rules, Of course I know whats going to happen.

Of course he doesn't realize that I'm the kinda person who loves a good fight and the more you agure with me the more vile I get. One thing his a aries and like all aries there stuborn as hell and try to take control, Like he tells me he never gets mad. Ha ha ha Bullshit! Everyone gets angry sometimes, It depends on how you handle it. And when you tell me something like that I'm going to test the waters and see how far I can push you. No I don't do it to be mean I just want to see if he can handle things and if he says who he really yes. Claiming to be better and more powerful than me, Sure ok if you want to believe. But in the end he'll find out the truth. In the meantime I'm going to have fun with my new little pet/toy.

001. Name: Jennifer Lynn Hernandez
002. Nickname - Bitch, Mega bitch. Ultra bitch! And thats ms.bitch to you with a kiss.
003. Status - Taken
004. Zodiac sign - Aquarius/Rat
005. Male or female - Female
006. Elementary - Home schooled
007. Middle School - Home schooled
008. High School - Home schooled
009. Smart - My last iq test I had I scored above aravge/ Near genius level.
010. Hair color - Black, But the sun does give it nautrual red high lights (No I do not dye it.)
011. Tall or short - Short shit! 5'0
013. Sweats or Jeans - Depends On what I feel like putting on at the moment.
014. Phone or Camera - camera
015. Health freak - Kinda but I do have a knack for snacking. -.-;
016. Drink or Smoke? - Quiet smoking then took it up again...I blame it on the stress! Drink? No
017. Do you have a crush on someone? - Not really
018. Eat or Drink - Drink- Mostly water but sometimes soda picks are dr-pepper. Pepsie and mist. Oh and root beer- If I'm in the mood for it. Eat. Chicken alfodo dish, Any kind will do.
019. Piercings - Ears brows and noise- And nipples.
020. Tattoos - None.

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing - 13
024. First best friend -Rosey- and charlie- Known them since I was three.
025. First award - My friends gave me award for being the meanest person on earth. Does that count>?
026. First crush - Nathin
027. First pet - Blue
028. First big vacation - Austria
030. First big birthday - Sweet 16

CURRENTLY:
049. Eating - Jimmy johns a cookie and soda.
050. Drinking - Dr pepper
052. I'm about to - Toss my fucking Inheat cat out of the window!
053. Listening to - The tv
054. Plans for today - None the day is overwith.

YOUR FUTURE:
058. Want kids? - I have one, I would like to have more...
059. Want to get married? - Hell no fuck that shit, Why get married and then through an ugly devorce like every god for sacking amercian.
060. Careers in mind - Where I can do as I please and not worrie about what others say.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
068. Lips or eyes - Eyeys
070. Shorter or taller? - Tall
072. Romantic or spontaneous - Romantic and a bit spontaneous.
073. Nice stomach or nice arms - Mmm show me then abs babe.
074. Sensitive or loud - I like them a bit sensitive but not so much where they bolt out crying about every little thing, And I like them to speak there minds...
075. Hook-up or relationship - Relationship
077. Trouble maker or hesitant - Well I'm the bad girl here, so you tell me?

HAVE YOU EVER:
080. Lost glasses/contacts - Yes...
081. Ran away from home - yES
084. Broken someones heart - Yes...
085. Been arrested - No
087. Cried when someone died - Many times...

DO YOU BELIEVE:
089. Yourself - Yes/ but there are times where i feel like i'm never getting anything done.
090. Miracles - Its is possible.
091. Love at first sight - Not really.
092. Heaven - Sometimes, but I have my doubts
093. Santa Claus - Looks at you with a raised brow ...
094. Sex on the first date - Bring the whip cream strawberries and leash and coller and i'm all yours baby cakes.
095. Kiss on the first date - Only if I like you.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now - YES!!!!
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life - No I wish I could do more.
099. Do you believe in God - Its a 50/50
100. Post as 100 truths and tag -

Yes I will finish the sun matches.

Sorry i have been busy, School and work -_-;

(Ones again if you can't take a joke Do not read these, If you can then go ahead and have yourself a good laugh.)

ODIAC COMPUTER VIRUSES

The ARIES virus reconfigures other computers so that your computer gets to download files and images first!

The TAURUS virus backs up all your information on your hard drive without allowing you to delete anything, ever.

The GEMINI virus starts a new search every two minutes for great gossip, while it visits chat rooms, plays internet games, interfaces with your fax and cell phone, runs the printer and keeps track of your appointments all at the same time!

The CANCER virus constantly alerts you with recipes, home decorating ideas, gardening tips, and urgent messages from your mother.

The LEO virus downloads the MGM lion on your screensaver that roars every time you boot your machine.

The VIRGO virus eliminates files and programs that you haven't used in a month and it creates and updates information that can be retrieved alphabetically, numerically, by the file name, subject, size, author's name, date, key words....

The LIBRA virus asks you indefinately if you're sure that you want to turn your computer on, turn it off, delete information or save information, continue on or stay where you are....

The SCORPIO virus automatically installs all the latest stuff you'd REALLY rather not know about from the deepest unsavory depths of the internet.

The SAGITTARIUS virus happily surfs the internet updating and installing information about travel adventures and foreign cultures.

The CAPRICORN virus will continually update you with current events, weather conditions, traffic information, and financial news---and you will learn to like it!

The AQUARIUS virus will randomly re-alphabetize your address list. It will also go into all of your files and spruce up your font colors.

The PISCES virus gives you constant horoscope and metaphysical updates. Then it shuts itself down....

What people really think of you .

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but ****-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like ****. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap *******. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while *******. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of ****.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ******* jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.


Trick-or-treating by the signs


Aries Who wants to be first will shove and push and knock anyone out of the way.

Taurus Does not go trick-or-treating, but if they do they only accepts the finest of chocolates none of that cheap ass shit thank you!.

Gemini goes around the neighborhood once, changes costumes and goes around again. (Ha ha I knew a friend of mine who did this.)

Cancer Is to damn paranoid to even go out so either they'll stay indoors and pass candy out, Or stay indoors lock there doors and never come out afraid of all the vampires and werewolves.

Leo Will this event for a whole month, but then realize why go out when you can have someone else do it for you.

Virgo Umm Well virgo's knowing that there health freaks will just go out just to shock there friends.

Libra is still standing in front of the closet trying to decide on a costume.

Scorpio isn't in it for the candy.

Sagittarius will manage to wander to the next town. and the next and the next and so forth.

Capricorn makes a list of all the houses that give good candy and the optimal
route to take.

Aquarius builds their costume out of spare flashlights and spends all night tinkering when it shorts.

Pisces skips the whole thing to compose poetry to the Moon.

How the signs eat healthy Or try to.
Aries - Something with chili pepper chocolate...Hmmm....And red fruit?
Maybe ram horn shaped?

Taurus - Peanut butter, buttery, caramel nouget + marshmallow, pecans.
Old school comforting.

Gemini - Coffee flavored, coffee beans, two different colors...Energetic.

Cancer - pumpkin, crumbly, cheesecake, Homey

Leo - silvered almonds, citrus/lemony, poppy seed, fuffy, Sunny.

Virgo- Oatmeal, sunflower seeds, dried carrot, apple, cinnamon, raisins cookie. Nourishing.

Libra- Mint + Chocolate & pastel pink - Because minty breath helps social interactions lol

Scorpio - Dark chocolate Lava Cake - Intense

Sag - Brazil nuts, banana, white chocolate, cardamom - Exotic

Cap- Walnut & date tart w/ rum sauce inside...Sophisticated, traditional outside, with sensual inside.

Aqu - Passion Fruit w/Mango Ginger cookie - Still needs more funkiness!

Pisces - Big fortune cookie, w/ ground macadamia nut & coconut heavy cream filling. Tropical/Mystical

Cooking by the sign:

Aries. Will make something spicy and end up burning it because they often turn the burner up way to high Since there always in such a rush.

Taurus. Will read it from a book and add a few things of there own and toss it as there own.

Gemini. Will talk while cooking hoping that anyone will listen.


Cancer. Are the best cook since they put all there emontions engery and what not into it, But then later cry because they think that they suck!

Leo. Hmpf no cook, Now where are my slaves... I'm hungry!

Virgo. Will make sure its perfect to the last detail.

Libra. Maybe I shale make this, What about this? Ooo that sounds good.

Scorpio. Well add a secret season, and won't tell you until its to late. And they'll laugh making you worry.

Sagi. Like aries will burn it and make a big mess but not because there in a rush, only because they are clumsy fools.


Capricorn. Will grumple about cooking again and say they have better things to do. But will end up just ordering a pizza or making something like pasta.

Aquarius. Something fun and weird, You'll look at them like whats this? But you'll eat it any who and like it. surprise surprise.

Pisces. Will forget that there cooking and burn down the kitchen or house.

How the signs win you over.

Aries. Will shout out there love for you to the world to share.

Taurus. Will get feed you words of affection, and win you over with food.

Gemini. Will just simply talk you into going out with them.

Cancer. Just claims you with those big large claws and never lets go.

Leo. I WANT YOU I NEED YOU, YOU BELONG TO ME NOW!

Virgo. Will think real hard on how to tell you that they love you. But first they'll send out a minion or two to ask you how you feel about them.

Libra. She loves me she loves me not.

Scorpio. Simply places you in a cage.

Sagi. After tripping over themselves and after everything goes flying everywhere. They'll simply mutter I love you! Blushing all the while.


Capricorn. Love? No such thing. Well if they do fall in love, they'll never tell you.

Aquarius. Will find a weird and unique way of telling you, Either by writing your name in the sky or getting a tattoo on there butt.

Pisces. Will write a poem. Bring flowers chocolate and all the works.
Pisces are the most romantic people so be ready to be woo of your feet.

Keep checking my journal for more zodiac jokes.
Also if you got some of your own E-mail me them.

(Ok before reading if you can't take a joke then don't bother to read this, if you can go ahead and have yourself a good laugh.)


Horscope of for your sign.

ARIES

Listen Bud - we've had about enough of you. That's all the universe has to say right now...





TAURUS

You will suddenly have loads of money, but nobody care what you want or even understand you when you speak. Your demands are ridiculous, face it. All your fast-food orders will be wrong. You will starve.





GEMINI

The tables have turned on you this month once again. You don't know who to believe, because everyone lies to you - why!!?? You need more socks and underwear. Get a better job.





CANCER

Nobody cares how you feel this month. You are WAY too whiny and pitiful.... People think you're nuts. You are. Get a grip. Go have a good cry. Talk to small children and you will feel big again.





LEO

Leos will get pushed around by Aries and - believe it or not - Sagis this month. You are definitely not King, or even Prince or Knight. You are a lowly Page. Hop to it!!!





VIRGO

Everything will go beautifully this month. You'll get everything done, just right, in record time. You will receive a raise. The people you work for will have tremendous, sudden success..... but the following month they'll go broke because you missed ONE tiny detail ! Better start worrying - big time.



LIBRA

You will be seriously outcharmed by Geminis this month. You can't understand it. Nobody likes your style anymore. Your love life will go south, fast. You'll shop til you drop but your credit cards will be rejected. Get a job, slacker!





SCORPIO

Poor Scorpio - you will get really mad for no reason this month, lose a friend or two, then carefully plot how to coerce them back into your life. It's too late.





SAGITTARIUS

You're a bit full of it this month, Sagi. Go tell your ridiculous stories somewhere else! Nobody wants to know the crappola you know!!



CAPRICORN

Because of your prior achievements, goat boy or girl, others expect you to do their work for them. You will become exhausted trying to prove your worth. You are nothing but a corporate slave!! hahahahahaha





AQUARIUS

Your insane antics have been copied the world over. Everyone knows how utterly whacko you are. Sadly, you will become depressed because nobody even notices you anymore. Rats...





PISCES

Silly Fish, why must you sleep so much?! You MUST wake up or you'll miss some excellent programming on TV. I mean it!!

The darker side of you:

Aries is a sheep, I mean a Ram. Sheepishness is not in Aries' nature (see Pisces). Butting-headedness is. Sheep say Baahhh. Rams say Baaahhkkk OFF - and you'd better... those horns inflict pain! Every Aries is pushy and knows everything, and they always cut in line....stomp, stomp, trample, trample, get ahead, come in first - yep, just get out of the way, okay? Aries is ruled by Mars, god of "I Win, you Lose".

Taurus is a cow, I mean a Bull. Cows give milk, bulls don't give you anything but flaming nostrils and charging-headlong-into-you horns. They take whatever they want, whenever they want it - your food, your favorite chair, your time, your energy, your money, your stuff - it's all theirs. They just graze through life, eating everything in their paths. Selfish good for nothings! Taurus is ruled by Venus - goddess of stuff and money.

Gemini is a pair of twins, a schizophrenic whacko. Can't stick to one position for a minute, and they lie. Fickle, flighty and totally nuts. Don't go out with a Gemini unless you want to go insane. He loves me, he loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not. You'll never know the real answer. Gemini is ruled by Mercury - god of mind-tripping.

Cancer is a crab. That's all there is to it. Bitch, moan, complain, rag, perpetual PMS - man or woman. Once in a while, when the moon is just right, Cancer becomes a raving lunatic. That's the only relief you'll get from their insufferable whining. Nothing is good enough, nobody helps enough, you're not eating enough, blah blah blah. There's just no way to please them. The only solution is to put 'em in a pot and boil em. Cancer is ruled by spooky sister Moon and the wild, merciless tides.

Leo is a beast. Leos strut around like mister and misses perfects - just like your cat. I mean look at your cat - what is it good for? "Feed me, Look at my hair, look at my hair, Don't I look perfect? Pet me, adore me, play with me - now go away" - hiss, scratch. They don't do tricks, they won't do what you say, and they shed. That's about it. Leo is ruled by the Sun - Mr. Shiny himself.

Virgo is a virgin. Virgin's are no fun. They're squeaky clean, too pure, and very picky. Nobody and nothing is good enough for a Virgo. They stare at you with those penetrating eyes, making mental notes of all your weaknesses and imperfections. Then they pretend to be your friend and help you, snickering and laughing at you all the while. Don't trust them for a minute! Virgo is ruled by Mercury - god of hyper-analysis.

Libra is a pair of scales - way out of balance. They keep trying to get it right, but they never do. They add a little more to this side, a little more to that, until they're so loaded up with stuff that they need to hold a yard sale. But of course they won't, and they always want more. More love, more jewelry, more fun, more money, more beauty, more friends, blah blah blah.. Libra is ruled by Venus - goddess of tons of stuff and goodies.

Scorpio is a nasty, stinging scorpion, a venomous vermin, a sneaky, menacing creature of the dark. NEVER trust a Scorpio. Scorpios don't trust you, and they'll kill you in a heartbeat. If you treat them just right, they might make good pets - properly caged of course. Scorpio crawls about unseen, digging into your private thoughts and dreams and stealing them like a thief in the night. It's scary. Scorpio is ruled by Pluto - god of the atomic bomb.

Sagittarius is a cloddy, tromping, whinnying horse. Stay out of their way...most Sagittarians are the kind of horse with blinders on so they can't see on either side and don't know what they've run into. And they always say exactly the wrong thing, like, "hey - you look so much older and fatter than last time I saw you", or "what's that thing on your face?" It's not honesty, it's just plain cruel. Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the original Mr. Know-it-all.

Capricorn is a goat. A nasty, billy goat. The kind that looks old and lecherous. They make their way up the mountain, sure, by any underhanded trick they can conjure! And they have curling horns, just like the devil! Capricorns will use you and abuse you to get what they want. They don't care if they have to eat garbage, or if it takes an eternity to get there. Capricorn is ruled by Saturn - father time, the one with the scythe.

Aquarius is a wild, space-cadet water-boy (or girl). Aquarians are completely irresponsible. They have one rule - if it feels good, do it. Aquarians make intricate, ingenious plans, then break them without a second thought. They tell you one thing, then let some wild-haired idea take them off to timbuktu. Don't even try hanging onto an Aquarian, they're wet, slippery, insane people. Aquarius is ruled by Uranus - god of lightning, electricity and bikers.

Pisces is a fish. Well actually, two fishes swimming in opposite directions - always lost. Pisces live in fear because they know that dangerous fish-eaters lurk everywhere.... Just look at how they dart around, confused and disoriented, Pisces can't stay on track for two seconds, and if you throw out some tasty bait - bang, the Pisces is there in a second, ready to snag your hook. Easy pickins those Pisces (kinda like sheep). Pisces is ruled by Neptune - god of peace, love and spaciness.

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.



How Many Members of Your Sign
Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, but three therapists will be needed to help with the grieving process. OR: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: One, from across the room, if they've learned their teleporting lessons well enough.
OR, thanks to one of our website visitors: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"



Kosh Quotes for the 12 Signs of the Zodiac!
by our editorial assistant, Laura Haywood-Cory, for fans of the science fiction
TV show, Babylon 5. (Jodie and Laura are *huge* fans!)

Aries: Some must be sacrificed if any are to be saved.

Taurus: Listen to the music, not the song.

Gemini: The truth points to itself.

Cancer: Being seen by so many at once was a great strain.

Leo: Your opinion does not enter into it.

Virgo: A stroke from the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.

Libra: Understanding is a three-edged sword -- your side, their side, and the truth.

Scorpio: We are a dying people...obsessed with each other's death until death is all we can see and death is all we deserve.

Sagittarius: I am studying.

Capricorn: What is need, compared to the path?

Aquarius: Jump. Jump now!

Pisces: We are all Kosh.

SUN SIGN PRAYERS JUST FOR FUN
by Nolan Myers
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Thanks to a site visitor for submitting these!

ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

Which pet would go best with each sign?

Aries: ­ Anything, as long as it's got a lot of energy!

Taurus: ­ A turtle: it's slow-moving, doesn't need a lot of attention, and won't compete with its owner for food.

Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but--

Cancer: ­ Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured.

Leo: ­ A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn't compete with its owner's place in the sun.

Virgo: ­ Let's see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax--

Libra ­: Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won't require as much time and attention. Oh, I don't know. What would you do? Are you sure?

Scorpio: ­ A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable. What's not to like?

Sagittarius: ­ A horse, of course! Let¹s hope it's got enough stamina to keep up with me.

Capricorn: Do I have to pay for it?

Aquarius ­: A hamster. First, I've got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they don't make anything like that? That's okay, I'm sure what I come up with will be much better.

Pisces : Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they're easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them...